Long Time No Write

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I see they totally screwed up this blog space so I'll have to find something else. 
Anyway, nothing that happened was good. Shall I tell you all about it?

Pain is the key word. Lots of pain. That and painful loneliness. I can complain here, right? Fortunately summer was not hot and went fast. Unfortunately fall is going fast too. Too fast. And I am spending these very long days and evenings alone, as usual. 

Somewhere during the summer, probably while looking for something to wear, I scraped my swollen leg on the side of a large metal and woven grass trunk thing that I keep clothes in. Sadly, most of my clothes are lost upstairs somewhere. My husband can't remember where he puts things, he just puts them. 
So, I scratched three marks on the lower part of my left leg. It started to weep because it was swollen. I called the husband and requested some bandages because we didn't have any. He got some that said they pull moisture out of the wound. They did that but tried to pull it out of my entire leg. It just started weeping constantly. To make a very long story short, I will tell you that five months later and it might be healed enough to just lightly cover it with something. It was almost healed once but one of the NHS nurses screwed it up and it all came back. I will know more tomorrow.

After that my right hip started to hurt. Not sure why but the only thing I can think of was sitting with my leg up all the time to get it to not swell anymore. I guess my hip got tired of that. My hip would cause me trouble from time to time for a day or two but never like this. So it's been 10 weeks and I've have two shots for bursitis. We're pretty sure it's osteoarthritis. That's not good.

In the mean time, my good friend, dear friend Jim has stopped talking to me. His daughter said he's not mad at me or anything, he's just always doing something and his phone is messed up and he can't get my calls for some reason and he sleeps a lot. I don't know if I buy that because they call him all the time. Maybe he doesn't want to be distracted from his games. I've been through that before with someone. It's no fun. I can't imagine he's trying to make a go of it with his wife after she cheated on him for a year. Look, I don't want to run off with him, I just want to talk to him like we used to. He made me laugh. He's a funny guy. I could tell him anything. He's my friend and I miss him a lot. That's been pretty depressing. 

So I've been in a lot of pain and have no one to talk to. Zanny won't talk on the phone and although Jonni said she would alllllllllllways be there for me, she won't talk either. Just a few comments on Facebook. Screw 'em.

Still no news on my kidney operation. I asked my doctor about it. He had totally forgotten about the whole thing. Great! Thanks! Asshole.

What was left of my family is now gone except for Kelli and sometimes Dennis and Eleanor when they can be bothered. The rest of them are all fighting over Mom's stuff and trying to sell the house. We won't get much from that because they don't know what they're doing.

My mother, the one who wanted for years and years to have a baby girl seems to have forgotten about her little girl over the years. Nothing was left to me in her will. Not one thing. She told me once I could have her class ring. She gave it to one of my nieces. She left things for everyone else, wrote their names down and everything. I didn't think she hated me that much but if that was her way for getting back at me for telling her I know the truth about everything, then screw her too. I don't know why she did that to me. I do care. There really wasn't anything I wanted, I just wanted to finally be accepted as the daughter she always. Then when she got me she didn't know what to do with me. 
She told me once, "I don't think your father and I did right by you". NO SHIT???? 

Anyway, I don't want to continue down that road right now. I just wanted to  catch up and then try to do some Christmas shopping. It's almost Thanksgiving and it falls on Mom's birthday. She would have been 90.

I wanted to tell someone, although no one will read this, that I miss my friend Jim. I can't remember not having pain and I can't the last time I was happy.

Hopefully I'll be back soon.

It's been a while.
I wanted to start a blog that only certain people could look at. There is one stuck on here that I can't get rid of. Looks like he's been there about three or four years. I can't figure out how to sweep him out.
Anyway. Since I last wrote here, after losing my brother, I lost my mother. I knew when she came here about five years ago it would be the last time we saw each other. It was. I'm still not certain what she died from but I suspect a big chunk of it was losing my brother. He used to see her every day and he was always working on something to make her life easier since she was in her mid eighties. Her health went downhill very fast. I did manage to get to her on the phone when she was in the hospital for something and got to tell her I loved her. She said it back in a very weak and far away voice. I miss her. I miss picking up the phone to talk about nothing. She died in her bed which was what she wanted.
Sadly, since by only good brother died before she did, he took with him the knowledge of where her will was. That started a huge mess with my other idiot brothers who got a will online and made up a bunch of things. Everyone was getting screwed except for him and my oldest brother. I'm convinced they just wanted to sell the house to get more money for pot.
I didn't get anything that belonged to my mother. I got a few things that already belonged to me that she had since I was a kid, but nothing of hers. I would love to have had her coffee cup, the one she used every single day of her life. The things she told me for years that she wanted me to have went to the daughter of my on of the creepy brothers.
It's almost over now. We will all get a little money from the house but not much. I just want it to be over so I never have to think about those people ever again. There is one good brother left but he doesn't like to talk on the phone and can't seem to figure out computers.
I still have to have the other half of my left kidney operated on but at this rate they will have to start over. It's been over a year and he said not to go more than three months. But I can't get anyone to help me. So thanks again NHS.
Most of my time is still spent alone. I can't even get in touch with my friend Jim in California. I really miss talking to him. On the rare occasions my husband is home he is either asleep or upstairs on his computer. At least he's not out drinking or screwing around. I know where he is all the time.
My 'best friend' from high school that I found on Facebook didn't turn out to be the die-hard friend she claimed to be. We talked a lot on Skype but that didn't last long. It's all she can do to be bothered to give me a thumbs up on a picture of something on Facebook. So I watch the cows and feed the three pheasants that come by. There is one who comes by twice a day. It's funny if he sees me in the window he will start running toward me. I wish I could see him outside. I'll bet he would come to me if I had food. I would love to pet him. I was thinking about the owls very early this morning and just as I thought it, I heard one outside. Amazing. I wish they were around more. I love that sound.
The farmer lost his dad a couple weeks ago. We all knew he wasn't going to last long. He was a very nice man and none of this would be here if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have any cows to watch. I should write about that. I heard the farmer outside one morning calling to the cows like he does when he's going to move them. I immediately thought he was going to put them in another field which would be so sad. He was calling and calling. It sounded urgent. Then I saw him wearing a suit! I thought that was a funny thing to wear while calling the cows. Soon they started coming, running down the hill toward the road. I moved to the front window to see if they had closed the gate which is what they do when they move them on the road. Instead I saw a man with a top hat followed by a hearse. My heard sank. Behind the hearse were friends and family. Then it hit me what he had done. The farmer had taken the cows to the road so they could see him and he could see them one last time. Oh, I cried. I still do when I think about it. It was a nice touch. In a way it was a sort of closure for me because I wasn't there to attend the funerals of my brother and my mother. So I will remember that one in my mind. It was a beautiful day. They would have all loved it.
That's enough for now. This chair still hurts me. I won't stay away for so long next time.

Je ne me sens pas bien.

Ya know what I mean?
I woke up feeling sick and it's lasted all day. Hate that.

So I thought I would get something that I could do from bed, since I will be here for a while. I looked into that Rosetta Stone thing to learn French... until I saw the price. Some people said it wasn't very good for making conversation.

Then I thought of using a Barbie doll to make a video with me doing the voice. She would be telling my stories and I could put them on You Tube or something less horrible. I'll think of something.

I wish the kids would go back to school. Why do they insist on playing in the road in front of our house? Useless little creatures.

Thanks for nothing NHS.

Sunday, 4 April 2010
Thanks for nothing NHS.
I believe in my last blog on this thing I was talking about being sick and my horrible ear problems. Well, it took 18 months (!) to get an appointment with the ear specialist. That's right, a year and a half! So, I had tests done and all that. Turns out I have a small amount of hearing loss in my right ear and pretty bad tinnitus that is also permanent. This is all because the NHS just couldn't find a place to squeeze me in for an appointment in a year and a half!
I hate this country.

I now have some more health issues, they are dragging their feet with those too. I am in constant pain all day, every day. I can't take Codeine so the best they can do is Paracetamol and anti-inflammatories! DO NOT tell me that there are no other pain killers in the UK that don't contain Codeine. I don't believe much of what they tell me anymore. All I will say is that if I was back home in the US I would have been treated (very well) already.
Don't tell me to go back home. You don't know my story.
Britain can kiss my ass.

Lost my brother.

I lost my closest brother last year on September 24th, two days after his 54th birthday. That's just too young. He had an enlarged heart, it was three times the size it should have been, unfortunately there are usually no symptoms. That's was the case with him. The only good thing is that it took him quick and he probably felt nothing.

We were always very close as kids because we were closest in age and we had three older brothers but they weren't around much.

I'm still very upset about his death. I just can't seem to shake it, even though I've been living in the UK and haven't seen him for 14 years. I got to talk to him once in a while on the phone. He was a workaholic and didn't have much time. Being over here I guess I really got no closure. In a way it's easier. I just keep thinking he's back home in the states, probably at the beach.

Sadly his death caused a huge family fight and left a big split in the family. It's all so stupid. I hate what alcohol does to people. I have only talked to my mother twice in 6 months which is highly unusual. I have since found out what a liar she is and how she frequently talks shit about me behind my back.

That aside, I miss my brother. I always will. He was a pretty good guy.

Who Shot My Kneecaps Off?

I know I'm getting old now. Not just by looking at the numbers but by feeling it.
People say you're as old as you feel and it's a state of mind. I beg to differ!

There I was, minding my own business, watching the leaves gently falling off the trees and fluttering to the ground. That was yesterday. Sometime during the night a blustery wind came up, clouds rolled in and it started to rain. When I woke up and TRIED to get up it felt like someone had hit me with a truck and shot my kneecaps off. What the hell? It's also my hips and shoulders and my fingers. I didn't know anything about this big weather change, my mind, for once, wasn't on the weather. So now all my joints hurt and I feel really old. I just wanted to tell someone. :(

As for my ears, the popping of the ears and ability to hear things like a person with normal hearing comes and goes. Yes I'm still steaming my head and all that. It helps for a while and then they block up again. Both ears are totally blocked at night which is nice because I sleep better when I can't hear but I have scary dreams.

So anyway, for you health nuts that think the weather has nothing to do with joint pain and arthritis and all that... you're WRONG. WRONG I say!
Anyone got a hot tub full of parafin?